


Between The Pages

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Love Declarations, Love at First Sight, M/M, Pining, bangan, bookshop au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 22:20:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15716232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: He was expecting to be overwhelmed by the smell of well-loved books, to either be welcomed by an over-enthusiastic salesperson, or ignored by the lone worker, probably the owner, isolated behind a desk. What he wasn’t expecting was to have the breath knocked out of him by sparkling gray eyes half-hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses, and a shy but charming smile.





	Between The Pages

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Transdodds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAMIE! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it xx
> 
> Thanks to tobeconspicuous for acting as beta.

> Rafael had always loved books, even from an early age. Thanks to his job, he struggled to find time to read most days, but he still loved collecting books; first editions, foreign editions of his favorites, books that simply had beautiful covers. Though he’d never go online to find what he wanted, no matter how specific it was. He preferred the luxury of walking through a used bookstore far too much to ever give it up. 

That was the real thrill. He loved going to the effort of sifting through the shelves and crates to find a diamond in the rough, the unexpected joy of finding something you didn’t even know you wanted.

That’s how he found himself in a brand new bookshop just around the corner from his office. He’d walked past it almost every day since it had opened a month ago, and he finally had the time to wander in and peruse the shelves at his leisure. 

He was expecting to be overwhelmed by the smell of well-loved books, to either be welcomed by an over-enthusiastic salesperson, or ignored by the lone worker, probably the owner, isolated behind a desk. What he wasn’t expecting was to have the breath knocked out of him by sparkling gray eyes half-hidden behind thick-rimmed glasses, and a shy but charming smile.

The man gave him a small nod. “Give me a shout if you need any help,” he offered, deep voice sending shivers down Rafael’s spine. “I’m Trevor.”

Rafael nodded, blinking stupidly for a moment before wandering past, committing the name, along with that face, to memory.

He could feel Trevor’s eyes burning into the back of his head, and he became hyper-aware of the way he moved, the way he held himself. Suddenly, he felt like he didn’t know how to walk, how to stand, like the way he’d been doing it his whole life was wrong and he was only just realized it now.

Rafael attempted to browse the shelves for a little while, but after a while, he had to admit to himself that he wasn’t actually taking anything in. At every opportunity he had, he snuck a glance at the beautiful man behind the counter. Most times Trevor was just perched at his desk reading a book or browsing something on his computer, but just one time they locked eyes. Rafael felt his face flush at the smile Trevor threw his way, and he quickly ducked his head, pretending to be very interested in an old science book.

He frowned, realizing he wasn’t even in his usual section, and moved on, suddenly hyper-aware of how hot the room was.

He needed an excuse to talk to Trevor again, to hear that deep, soothing voice, feel his sparkling gray eyes on him again. He tried to come up with something to ask him, something obscure, but he couldn’t think of anything. It was like he'd forgotten every book ever written. 

So he picked up an old copy of Maurice from the shelf in front of him. It was a bit ratty and entirely ordinary, not something he would normally bother to purchase, but he liked the book, and the more he looked at it the more he convinced himself it had some kind of _aesthetic_ _appeal_. Enough to warrant a purchase, at any rate.

He fiddled with the pages for a small moment before taking a deep breath and heading up to the counter.

"Find something?" Trevor asked, shifting his gaze from his computer screen to Rafael.

"Er, yes," he said awkwardly, holding the book up.

"Good book," Trevor replied with a small nod, putting it through the till. "Have you read it before?"

"It was a favorite in college." Rafael fished some coins out of his pocket, counting out the $3 that he owed to hide the rising color on his cheeks at the admission. 

Trevor hummed in agreement, taking the coins from Rafael. As Trevor’s fingers brushed across his palm, Rafael felt his heart stutter and his stomach swoop. He could feel the goosebumps rising across his skin, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up as Trevor’s fingertips left what felt like a burning imprint in their wake. When he finally forced himself to look up, Trevor was smiling softly at him.

As he left, Rafael couldn't help but glance back through the window at Trevor. To his surprise -- and embarrassment  -- Trevor was looking back at him. 

He hurried away, cheeks burning again, though a strange sense of hope had ignited in his chest, filling him with a lightness that carried him through the rest of the day.

\--

Rafael only lasted two days before he found himself hovering outside the bookstore, unsure whether or not to enter. He’d spent almost the entirety of those two days thinking about Trevor, about those striking eyes and that soft smile. 

But now he didn’t know what he was doing. He’d talked himself into coming back, convinced himself he needed to, but now he was here he realized he had no purpose other than to see Trevor smile at him again.

With a deep breath, he stepped inside.

“Back again so soon,” Trevor commented with a bashful grin.

Rafael felt his heart begin to beat in double time, but he managed to smile back. “What can I say, I feel like I barely got to look last time.”

Trevor gave him a small nod. “Shout if you need me.”

Rafael nodded in return before heading back to the classics. He wanted to look properly this time, to try and find something that might help with conversation.

When he glanced up to look at Trevor, the man was no longer at his counter. He felt something akin to loss deep inside his chest, and he internally chastised himself for behaving like a lovelorn teenager.

“Looking for anything in particular?” Trevor asked from behind him, causing him to jump.

When Rafael turned around he felt his mouth go dry at the sight of the gorgeous, impossibly tall man leaning against the bookshelf, one hand in his pocket, the other hanging above his head from where his arm propped him up against the shelving.

“Ah...I, erm...” Rafael stuttered, willing his brain to catch up. “I collect. Books. Anything interesting or unusual, beautiful covers, first editions...anything like that, I guess.”

The smile Trevor shot him made his legs feel weak. “What’s your favorite book?”

“The Picture of Dorian Gray,” Rafael answered almost immediately.

“Not Maurice, then?” Trevor’s eyes seemed to sparkle.

“It’s a close call,” Rafael said with a smoothness he honestly wished he felt.

Trevor chuckled, deep and low, and the sound of it reverberated through Rafael’s body.

“I had a lovely copy of Dorian Grey come in yesterday that I haven’t got around to putting on the shelf,” Trevor said quietly. “It’s not special for any reason other than the cover is lovely, and in good condition.”

Trevor shrugged, and Rafael gestured, feigning nonchalance though his heart was bursting against his ribs. “Lead the way.”

He followed Trevor back to the front of the store and behind the counter, then through a small door he hadn’t noticed before. Behind the door, Rafael was confronted with more towers of books, and he vaguely has the feeling of a child on Christmas at all the possibilities.

Trevor headed straight to a specific pile, lifting off books until he found the one he was after. His smile seemed almost shy as he handed the book to Rafael, and once again, as their fingers brushed each other, Rafael felt a spark ignite inside of him. 

He ran his fingers across the gold-embossed hardcover, smiling up at Trevor. “You were wrong. It is special.”

There was some kind of tension between them, suddenly. Magnetic. Rafael licked his lips, sure that Trevor’s eyes were tracking the motion. He inched closer, and so did Trevor. 

There was barely any space between them anymore. He could feel Trevor’s breath on his face. He swallowed hard, trying to muster the courage to reach up and touch, to kiss Trevor like he’d wanted since the moment he laid eyes on him.

Just as he was about to close the distance a loud buzzing pierced through the silence, slicing through the tension. As quick as it had come, the mood was gone, shattered like glass, sudden and devastating. Rafael took a step back, his eyes wide as he snatched his phone from his pocket.

“Barba,” he muttered, unable to keep the bite from his tone.

He glanced up at Trevor as McCoy rattled off a bunch of instructions for him.

“Yep. I’ll be there soon.” He sighed, hanging up as he passed the book back to Trevor. “Another time.” 

Before he could get carried away by the curious glint in Trevor’s eye and the disappointed smile setting on his face, he let himself out of the room and onto the street.

\--

Rafael spent the next couple of weeks so busy with a case that he barely had time to spare Trevor and the bookshop a thought. 

Except for late at night when he was trying to sleep. Then, it seemed, Trevor was all he could think about. He replayed it over and over in his mind, how close they’d been, the way Trevor’s fingertips felt, soft against his palm, how intimate it had felt before that one phone call ruined everything.

But the more he thought about it, the more he was grateful McCoy called. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure his own desires had clouded his judgment, made him see something that wasn’t there. The more he thought about it, the more embarrassed he felt about how close he’d come to making a fool of himself.

Embarrassment didn’t stop him jerking off to all the different ways he would have liked that moment to go down, though.

It was on a whim, he told himself, that he found himself back there after the guilty verdict came in. A little treat from his subconscious.

“Mr. Barba,” Trevor said with a smile that could light up the world. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming back.”

Rafael laughed, shaking his head a little as his stomach fluttered. “It’s been a busy few weeks. And call me Rafael.”

“Rafael,” Trevor repeated back to him, causing Rafael’s heart to skip a beat. “Still interested in Dorian Grey?”

“You haven’t sold it?”

Trevor bit his lip for a brief second, an action so minute it would have gone unnoticed if Rafael hadn’t been paying such close attention.

“I never put it on the shelf,” he admitted quietly. “I kept it. In case you came back.”

“Oh.” Rafael stared dumbly at him for a moment before he felt a smile slide onto his face.

This was his chance, he thought. This was the moment to ask Trevor out for a drink, or dinner. This was it.

He took a step forward, placing his hand on the counter near Trevor’s elbow, tapping the wood lightly as he glanced down, trying to find the words.

His stomach fluttered, this time with anticipation, with excitement, more than anything else.

As he looked up again, Trevor was smiling down at him, gray eyes sparkling like diamonds in the light overhead. He felt winded for a moment, wondering if he was reading into that look far too much.

He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get a single syllable out the bell on the door behind him jingled, and they both sprang apart, a safe distance between them once more. He felt like a teenager, caught in a compromising position with his childhood sweetheart as his heart pounded.

“Trevor, darling,” a woman’s voice chimed from behind him.

He saw a flash of blond hair as the woman walked past him, not even sparing a glance as she moved towards Trevor, instantly leaning into his space.

Rafael could barely hear what the woman was saying over the blood rushing past his ears. But he could see the way Trevor looked at her. It was clear as day, the adoration on his face. His eyes had gone soft, and he’d gently touched her arm. Rafael couldn’t think of a time when Trevor had touched him with any kind of purpose at all.

His heart sank as he watched the woman lean in, watched the way Trevor laughed, eyes crinkling at the sides.

When the woman laughed too, the piercing sound of it brought him back to reality. His head pounded and his eyes stung as he watched the woman toss her hair, placing her hand on Trevor’s bicep.

“You always know how to make a woman feel special,” she said quietly.

Trevor moved toward the door behind him as the woman followed him behind the counter, and it spurred Rafael into action.

He couldn’t stand and watch any longer. He forced his legs to move, to carry him out the door and down the street, all the way back to his office where he locked himself inside, heart still beating painfully in his chest.

Of course Trevor wasn’t interested in him. He’d been stupid to think a man like that would be into a man like him. For all he knew, Trevor was straight. Of all the things he’d thought about, that one little thing hadn’t even crossed his mind.

He hated how much it hurt. He tried not to think about it, tried to tell himself it didn’t matter, and he almost believed himself. Until he was alone in bed with just his thoughts for company. Then, his heart ached, and he felt a hollowness that seemed wholly undeserved and overdramatic. But it was there, eating away at him.

\--

It had been almost a week since he had last stepped inside the bookstore, a week since he had seen Trevor, though try as he might, the man still haunted his thoughts. He was busy trying to distract himself with work when there was a quiet knock on his office door, and he glanced up to see Carmen entering his office. She had a package in hand and a look on her face that immediately set Rafael on edge.

"What?"

Carmen smiled at him, eyes gleaming knowingly as she placed the package on the corner of his desk. "Nothing, Mr. Barba."

Rafael sighed, reaching out to take the package as Carmen left his office, closing the door behind her. He narrowed his eyes at the closed door before tearing open the brown wrapping.

Inside was a copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Not just any copy.  _ The _ copy. The copy from Trevor's bookstore. The copy he'd almost bought on two occasions before he'd been interrupted. The copy that tied his heart to Trevor.

He felt his hands shake as his heart stuttered, and he dropped the book onto his desk, chest heaving as he willed himself to calm down. He swallowed hard against his overreaction, but he couldn't stop the ache in his chest that seemed to intensify as his fingers ghosted across the gold-embossed cover

It was then that he noticed the corner of a card sticking out of the bottom of the book, a blip of white amongst the black and gold.

He delicately gripped the corner, sliding it out from between the pages, heart pounding against his ribcage.

> _ Rafael _ _   
>  _ _ Please accept this. As an apology, or simply as a gift between friends. _ _   
>  _ _ Whichever you would prefer. _ _   
>  _ _ I hope to see you again soon. _ _   
>  _ __ Trevor

Rafael read the note over four times before shaking his head, shoving both the book and the note into his desk drawer with a huff.

A gift between friends.

That was the problem. Rafael had let himself get attached. He had let his heart dream and hope. He had allowed himself to feel, and to believe that he was in with a chance. He couldn't go back, not knowing they were friends without the chance of anything more. It hurt too much.

Besides, he doubted that they were friends. When he thought about it, he realized he barely knew Trevor. All he knew about him was that he loved Maurice, owned a bookshop, and apparently had a girlfriend. Those weren't grounds for a friendship.

Rafael couldn't help himself, though. Every morning when he sat down at his desk he would open his top drawer, run his fingers across the cover of the book, and re-read the note Trevor left him in an attempt to find some hidden layer of meaning in it all. He wanted a reason to give in, a reason to go back and see Trevor, but every time he thought about it his heart twisted inside his chest and his stomach churned, and he realized that he couldn't. Not when he knew what Trevor looked like when he was in love with somebody else.

\--

It was a Monday morning, almost three weeks since he'd last seen Trevor; three weeks of stealing glances at the book in his top drawer, three weeks of imagining all the ways he could be wrong, three weeks of pining over a man he had no right to pine over.

He sipped at his coffee, frowning when he noticed an unopened envelope among the rest of his mail, meticulously sorted by Carmen.

He picked the envelope up, and his heart dropped to his stomach, turning it ice cold as his eyes took in the familiar handwriting with his name and the office's address on it.

Rafael stared at it for what felt like eternity before he tossed the envelope aside, not quite ready to face it yet. But the knowledge that it was there ate away at him, and by lunch he was back to staring at it, unable to focus on anything else.

With a heavy sigh he picked the envelope up, opening it gently before removing the paper within.

 

> _ Rafael, _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ I'm not sure if I upset you, or if I'm reading too much into this and you're merely busy with work. But it's eating away at me not knowing, so, as they do in all good books, I thought I would let my feelings be known in the hopes that perhaps I hadn't misinterpreted things after all. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ From the first moment you walked into my shop, I felt as though my world had shifted. There was a magnetic pull between us, one that I was afraid to act on at first, but one that I couldn't ignore, no matter how hard I tried. Every look, every smile, every moment shared with you was electric. There were times when I thought maybe you felt it too, and there were times when I felt, deep in my heart, that this was one-sided. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ But you kept coming back, and you kept smiling at me, and sometimes you stood so close I thought that maybe if I could be brave enough to just reach out and touch, that maybe, maybe you would understand, maybe you would reach back. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ I thought you were going to kiss me the last day I saw you. I realize now how naive that sounds, but at the time I believed it. I still wonder, sometimes, if that's what would have happened if Danielle hadn't come in and ruined whatever moment we may have been having. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ I need you to know, just in case it means something, that Danielle is just a friend. Not even that, really. She runs a book club upstairs and I help her out with books from time to time. She's perfectly lovely in every way, but I’m not interested in her. I’m interested in you. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ I understand if I've overstepped, but if I didn't put my heart on the line then I would never know. If you never come to see me again, that will be answer enough for me. But please know that I wish for nothing more than to see you again. _ _   
>  _ _   
>  _ _ Sincerely, _ _   
>  _ __ Trevor

 

Rafael had to re-read the letter before he could take the words in. He felt his heart clench painfully, so painfully that he had to stop and take a deep breath, just to ground himself.

Trevor had feelings for him. 

The woman was nothing. 

_ Trevor had feelings for him _ .

He swallowed hard, pushing himself back from his desk. His legs shook as he stood, but he snatched the letter up, heading for the door, his heart pounding in his ears, deafeningly loud.

"I'm taking a long lunch," he barked at Carmen, not even sparing her a second glance as he passed her desk.

It felt like he had blinked and landed inside Trevor's bookshop, staring at the man before him, more beautiful than he remembered. His chest was heaving, and he barely had time to wonder if he’d ran the entire way there as the reality of the situation struck him.

He frowned, turning to look at the door he'd just barged through, the bell still tinkling overhead, as though it could give him answers.

"Rafael?" Trevor asked quietly, and when Rafael whipped around to look at him, his face was pinched with worry. "Are you okay?"

Rafael swallowed before nodding. Trevor closed the distance between them, standing right in front of Rafael, lips still downturned as his hands hovered above Rafael's shoulders, hesitating, like he didn't know what he was supposed to do.

"It's true?" Rafael demanded, voice a little higher in both volume and pitch than usual. He could feel his chest still heaving as he tried to calm his breathing.

"Rafael--"

"Answer me," Rafael snapped, cursing himself inwardly as Trevor flinched.

Trevor reached between them, gently taking Rafael's hand in his own. When he second-guessed himself and tried to let go, Rafael held on tighter, the paper crumpling between their palms.

"Every word of it," Trevor whispered, voice shaking a little.

Rafael felt the fight leave him instantly, and his head spun at the sudden change. He hadn't even realized he'd been angry, couldn’t understand why he had been angry in the first place.

Trevor looked impossibly small, given his height. His eyes were sad and his expression was tight, and there was still a vague sense of fear clinging to him. Rafael let go of his hand instantly, blinking rapidly as he tried to find the right words.

“Rafael,” Trevor’s voice sounded broken, like he was fighting tears even though his eyes were dry. “If I made you uncomfortable--”

“Shut up. For a minute,” Rafael whispered, voice hoarse.

To his credit, Trevor remained silent. But he still looked so scared and so sad and it honestly wasn’t helping Rafael find the right words.

“Please,” Rafael whispered, reaching out to place his hand over Trevor’s heart. “Just...words are my life and they’re failing me right now.”

Slowly Rafael closed the small distance between them, reaching up to cup Trevor’s cheeks with both hands.

Something like hope ignited in Trevor’s eyes, but it was as though he didn’t dare move.

“I’ve been so stupid,” Rafael said quietly. “That’s hard for me, to say it out loud. But...but when it comes to emotions, when it comes to matters of the heart, I really am an idiot. You’d think I’d have learned a thing or two, reading classic romance novels.”

Trevor breathed out a laugh, but he still wasn’t smiling. He still looked frozen in place.

“I can’t express in words how...how I feel about you,” Rafael’s breath hitched, and he ran his thumb across the top of Trevor’s cheekbone. “This is all I have.”

He reached up as tall as he could, dragging Trevor’s face down towards his. He waited, lips ghosting across Trevor’s, searching his eyes for any hint that this wasn’t what he wanted.

Finally, Trevor moved. He relaxed into Rafael’s hold, one hand settling on Rafael’s waist and the other running into his hair.

When their lips met he felt his entire body thrum in time with his heart as it beat loud and strong in his ears. He tangled his fingers into the back of Trevor’s hair, pulling him in with one hand, deepening the kiss while the other trailed down his neck, settling above his heart again. He could feel it beating beneath his palm, just as erratic and alive as his own, entirely out of sync, yet perfectly matched.

When they broke apart, both panting, Trevor pressed their foreheads together, cupping Rafael’s jaw lightly. He could see the crinkle at the corner of Trevor’s eyes, could tell he was smiling even though he was too close to see it properly.

“I thought you were angry,” Trevor whispered.

“I’m sorry.”

Trevor shook his head before pressing a quick kiss to Rafael’s lips. “Don’t be. It’s okay. It’s more than okay.”

Rafael wound his arms around Trevor, burying his face into the taller man's neck as he drew him close. He could still feel both their hearts beating, now much calmer, now much more in sync.

“Come home with me,” he whispered, causing Trevor to chuckle.

“One step at a time, Romeo.”

Rafael drew back, scowling. “Please don’t label us a tragedy so soon.”

“Us?” Trevor asked, smirk so cocky Rafael couldn’t believe he’d looked so uncertain only moments before.

Rafael felt his face heat up, but he nodded, taking Trevor’s hand in his.

“Have dinner with me.” It wasn’t posed as a question. Rafael would have his dinner date. After weeks, months of pining, he deserved it. They deserved it.

Trevor’s smirk softened to a smile. “Yes. Of course. Anything.”

As they left the bookshop hand in hand, Rafael felt something he hadn’t felt since he’d held his crushes hand at his senior prom.

Hope.


End file.
